It was bound to happen, eventually. Countless times a day people around the world threaten that if such and such happens, hell will freeze over. And now, it did! But who the responsible party is will shock you?
The people in hell were shocked to wake up to extinguished fire pits, snowcapped volcanos, and icicles hanging off their pitchforks.
“There’s a certain chill here in hell that we’ve never experienced before,” remarked Mayor McBerny. “And unfortunately, there is nothing we can do about it because of who is responsible.”
When pushed to give a name, McBerny just told us to talk to the big man downstairs.
In this exclusive sit down, we had the chance to talk to Satan himself and was it eye opening.
THE PPJ: Hi Satan. So, let me ask if the rumors are true! Are you really the one responsible for hell freezing over?
SATAN: Well, as hard as it is for me to admit, especially with my track record being perfect, sadly yes. I’m guilty as Smol…Yeah, it was me.
THE PPJ: I know it’s tough, but can you get into it? Can you tell our readers and the residents of hell what happened?
SATAN: (sigh) Well, it began at a poker game. I was sitting with Marx and Che and they were talking about America becoming a socialist country. I said to them, yeah, that will never happen. American’s love their freedom to much. It will never happen. Che proposed a bet and me being Satan, I couldn’t refuse.
THE PPJ: What was the bet?
SATAN: If America sold out their freedoms in 2020, Che and Marx would get a week-long vacation in 105 degree weather. But I stupidly said that if that happens, hell will freeze over.
THE PPJ: Ahh, so American’s sells out their freedoms because of a virus and hell freezes over.
SATAN: Basically. I mean, I didn’t think it was going to happen. Look! I’ve tried for nearly 250 years to bring them to their knees, but they never falter. The wars and everything else I’ve thrown their way. Nothing. A little virus with a 99% survivability rate and bam! They fold faster than Fox News on election night.
THE PPJ: What can the people of hell expect in the coming months?
SATAN: It really is a sad day in hell. I’m not even sure I can light the pilot to get the heat back up now. I might have to talk to God about this one and see if he can lend a hand. I'll never live that one down.
THE PPJ: And the people, Satan? What can the residents of hell expect?
SATAN: Suffering. More suffering. Just in cold. I checked my Hellagram and Infernobook this morning. Frostbite everywhere. Toes and fingers! Gone! I guess I’m still doing my job.
THE PPJ: And Che and Marx? Are you getting postcards from them?
SATAN: Oh Hell no! I’m Satan. I lied to them. They’re still in the bowels cleaning hellhound droppings.
THE PPJ: Thank you for taking your time to clear this up, Satan.
UPDATE: Satan did talk to God and hoping to get the pilot lit by years end. But in the meantime, the people of hell are realizing that snow in hell is not what they thought. Without the proper attire, the frigid temperatures are just as bad as the scorching heat.